Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve 2010

So I actually slept a full 12 hours last night and I am up and going today!!  Yesterday I started my day at 2am with my usual pregnancy insomnia and by 4am I was having some contractions.  Aaron decided to wake up 2 hours early at 5am and by around 7 my contractions were getting stronger and closer together.  So my nesting mode kicked in and by 10 I had the house clean, everyone showered and dressed and Aaron's bag packed to go to his grandparents.  I thought for sure this is it.  So Alan and I took off to walk at the mall and get a quick bite to eat.  With Aaron I felt the same way with my contractions so I went in just like I did this time and was dilated to 4, I walked for 2 hours and the contractions got worse so they broke my water and he was born 2 hours later.  All in all a pretty simple delivery other than the pain.  I knew this was going to be the same so we stopped by Longhorn of course for a quick bite to eat.  I went in at 3 cm with contractions every 3-4 min apart and we walked for 2 hours only this time the contractions slowed down and I was sent home.  I was pretty irritated by that point and just wanted to call it a day.  I was also feeling extreme anxiety because I felt like and still do a ticking time bomb.  It's a weird feeling actually.  It's scary because you know the second time around what to expect and there is nothing you can do to stop it.  So here I am 9 months pregnant and any minute the labor can just start up again.  I have no way of knowing when or how fast.  The contractions, as Alan can testify, have really made me quite the grinch the past couple of days.  Thankfully God has blessed me with a very patient husband who just does whatever I say with no questions asked during this time lol.  He does try to throw in a joke here and there which depending on the timing of my contraction either makes me laugh or irritates me further.  So the Dr. gave me something to help me sleep and after a great nights sleep I woke up this morning and my labor has slowed down significantly.  I am still having contractions, but they are pretty mild and irregular. 

For the past few weeks I have been on pens and needles waiting for this baby to get here.  Last weekend would have been perfect because my midwife was on call.  Yesterday would have even been great since we were already there.  Next week my midwife is on vacation, but still will be there if I want.  It will just make me feel bad.  Going during the day would be ideal that way Alan can be at home with Aaron at night and he won't have to be out of his routine.  I have been consuming myself with nothing else for days now and it is driving me crazy.  So after a good nights sleep and some much needed time alone with God what have I leaned you ask? That it is not in my hands.  That God is in complete control and his timing is perfect.  That I have put God on the back burner to this insane need to over analyze and stress about this baby.  I read an article the other day that helped me a lot.  Here is an excerpt:
 During prayer my eyes shift from self focus to God awareness, and I find myself with a heavenly perspective that is not my own.  Through prayer I discover things about myself and God I could not discover any other way.  Prayer provides a mirror to my soul.  Through prayer, my motives and attitudes are brought to light.  Through prayer, I can explore the source of my less than becoming behavior. --Margaret Feinberg
So yes my attitude has not been what it should be and I have been only focused on myself lately. Of course some will tell me oh it's OK your pregnant.  You have every right to be crazy and emotional at this point.  And yes I do use that excuse here lately, but I feel that it still isn't a good excuse.  I mean I am truly a very blessed person.  I find that when I am at my most irritable or feeling sorry for myself it is usually when I am not spending time with God.  And sadly here lately I have not been like I should.  And guess what?  When I do get to sit down and spend time alone with Him I am renewed and start looking at things through His perspective instead of my own and I find that His ways are much better.  So whenever God decides it's time for Andrew to come I will be ready.  The house may not be spotless and it may happen in the middle of the night.  It may happen after my due date or he may weigh ten pounds.  He will be here when he gets here and God's timing is the best timing.